Pressurizing times like this often makes me wonder if it is okay to be depressed. Without external knowledge , I know I beat myself up about so many things.
The major problem I have is that my mind works like I that of a 35 year old, my body reacts like I am 40, but truth be told, I am barely 22.
Half the time of years I have spent on earth, I get the ‘you don’t act your age’ more often than not. I am beginning to think maturity is a curse.
Why can’t I be like some people of my age, who are unbothered about life and live in the moment? Is it okay to be ahead of time, to be ahead of the universe while it lags behind trying to keep up with my pace?
Overthinking should probably be my middle name. For every little break my head takes, it tends to think about a million things my heart and body isn’t ready for; projects my pocket isn’t aligning with and loans my bank statement cannot take.
And when I try to explain to someone, to tell them how I feel; how my heart fails when I don’t meet a certain goal, or how I tremble when someone is celebrated and that someone isn’t me, they all tell me the same thing.
You are still young. Take things slow. One step at a time. Everything will fall into place eventually.
You think I haven’t tried taking things slow? I try, every single day. But my brain and my mind isn’t in support of slow and steady.
It works like a clock, ticking away every damn second I waste doing nothing. It reminds me of the little geniuses out there, making the world a better place. It shows me the kind of independent and supportive wife I should be. It castigates me for not working enough to build a better life for my kids; the life I didn’t have as a kid.
Then the last of them all, it reveals my life, after the years hustle, whether my possessions are going to withstand the storm of old age or not.
In the midst of this mind chaos, I just want to apologize to the universe. Please do not be angry with me for letting you work overtime, but I need you to keep up with me, because I am not one your regular young adults.
Since I will never be able to escape from my mind, it is better I listen to what it has to say and let it direct me to a better place.